Not much excitement today. My med changes seem to have brought back my memory problems again. Washed my hands in the bathroom and walked out with the water running… Took my pills and left them sitting there laid out wide open with my 3 year old in the house… Just strange things like that. Funny how these meds affect you and never for the better.

I’m doubting the effectiveness in any of these medications at this point other than the side effects they give… Those seem to be spot on.

A bit excited and a lot nervous about my psych visit on Friday. I’m really hoping that she has some answers or suggestions for me because I’m about to say fuck it… This is just the way I am. I can’t keep taking these meds that are giving me the pseudo dementia effects… Not in my mid forties dammit.

Friday is so far away at this point. Hoping to spend some quality time with my daughter this week when she’s not in school trying to avoid covid because our state is full of idiots. Well, off to mind numbing television. G’nite all.

Well, my doctor figured it’d be a great idea for an introvert with anxiety to be set up for a phone appointment with a psychiatrist as you may know.  After a lengthy letter to my doctor telling him that I would not be attending that appointment, he has now scheduled the psych visit as an “in-person” visit.

I know, I know…. It seems weird to be more comfortable with an in-person visit that with a phone appointment…call me crazy… I think my doctor is.  I can’t explain it but ever since I found out it was to be a phone visit, my anxiety shot to a 10… Now that it’s been turned to an in-person visit, I’m back to about a six.  Hopefully I can keep it there for another week till my appointment!

In other news, my med changes have given me have a touch of narcolepsy it seems.  I can be wide awake one second and fall asleep for 5 seconds at the drop of a hat.  I wonder if anyone else has experienced that with Buspar….or maybe it’s the transition off of Wellbutrin back to Prozac… I don’t know anymore.  Maybe I’m just fucking tired!

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Anyways, family life seems to be at a low point still as far as being a husband goes.  Being a father is a roll I still feel somewhat in control of and happy in for now. I’m hoping better things are to come as the Prozac starts to take hold again but I don’t see it as the solution to the problem whatsoever… Just a bandaid to get me back to a net zero.

Well, I’m out for tonight. The debate was about more than this guy can take so I’m off to watch a little Carol Burnett Show or Dukes of Hazzard or Cheers or Welce Back Kotter or something to take me back to a better time in life. Good night everyone, or anyone, or no one, or whoever may be reading this if anyone at all. Here’s to wishing you and me better days ahead!

Well, as I expected, I’ll be going back off the Wellbutrin today and back to the Prozac again. It’s really unbelievable how much they really do just “practice” medicine. I’m fairly confident that with the right prescription pad and a couple of hours of Dr. Google, I could come up with a better plan for myself.

On top of the 1-2 week transition period from one week to the next, they would like to refer me to a psychiatrist to figure out better meds. Wait for it though… They scheduled the appointment for the extreme introvert with anxiety for a one hour long PHONE VISIT with the psychiatrist!!! Are you fucking kidding me! So, that’s not going to happen… I don’t take phone calls from my own family and it makes me extremely uncomfortable just getting on the phone with someone I don’t know.

To put the icing on the cake for today, my daughter’s parent-teacher conference will be held virtually tonight. Luckily my wife will be there and do all of the talking. Still a bit anxious about it but that does make it a bit easier.

Hopefully this day will end without further incident…not sure how much more I can take in one day. I know it doesn’t sound like much to most of you but in my head it’s about more than I can take. Hell, I even had elevated blood pressure today to top shit off!

It’s only Monday and I’m already ready to have a drink this weekend! FML

So thanks to covid, I’ve been doing the Mr. Mom thing for a few months. Let me tell ya guys, this staying at home with the kids isn’t a walk in the park!

To make the stay at home dad thing even more taxing… I can barely get myself up and going in the morning because I’m mentally drained and just feel like sitting in bed all damn day. It doesn’t help that I just had rotator cuff surgery about 5 weeks ago so I’m the one armed man now. I feel like I’m letting my daughter down because I should be doing things with her but can’t find the ambition to do a damn thing anymore. It feels like I’m missing out on memories we could be making but I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. This has been going on for about a month now but it’s going downhill fast. Gotta get some motivation soon or I don’t know where it’ll end.

Well, I’m going to maybe drop her off at grandma’s and then maybe do some housework to get my body up and moving. Not quite sure what else to do with myself at this point… Chances are I’ll do a little work and then fall asleep again. I can’t wait till my next doctor appointment to let him know how shitty the last med change is working out. I think maybe it’s time to go back to the Prozac again… It wasn’t perfect but at least I didn’t feel worthless on it.

I honestly think that between the layoff, the covid, the wife, the daughter, the rest of the family, the surgery, the med changes, this damn election, my dad’s increasing dementia, winter coming and everything else in my damn life, I’m faring quite well all things considered.

Well, here goes nothing! Got this thing set up finally and I’m a bit tired of talking about myself just setting the damn pages up so I’ll make it short.

Things seem to be on a bit of a downhill slide lately and I’m really hoping this blog will slow it down a bit. If nothing else I’m hoping it’ll give me a little insight into my life. With any luck I’ll be able to reach out to others like myself and figure things out together. Mental illness is no joke but chances are I’ll be making plenty of jokes about it on my journey so just understand it’s my current coping mechanism and no offense is intended.